


What I Need In Your Heartbeat

by tooboldly



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dom/sub Undertones, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 05:52:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4048648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tooboldly/pseuds/tooboldly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>January 4th has consistently been Jim Kirk's doomsday. This year, things are a little different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [twofacedjanus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/twofacedjanus/gifts), [saintsurvivor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintsurvivor/gifts).



_Slowly fading away_

_You're lost and so afraid_

_Your heart is full of broken dreams_

_Just a fading memory_

__You're living in fear that no one will hear your cries_ _

_When your whole world shatters_

_But I am here_

_I will pick you up_

_I will carry you through it all_

_I will be your home_

_I will be your hope_

 

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

 

It's January 4th.

 

Jim is a little too drunk to move himself to the bed, so he sprawls across the couch and waits for Bones to return from his shift. He doesn't know when Bones will come.

 

 _Maybe he won't._ Jim muses.

 

He doesn't remember how many bottles of Scotty's brew he's had, but it's apparently not enough to for Jim to forget about the fact that today is January 4th.

 

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

 

Throughout his life, there has only been one day of the year when Jim doesn't want to exist. It's January 4th.

 

George Kirk died on this day 26 years ago. The moment of Jim's birth is the precise moment of his father's death – can you call someone you've never met as “father”? Well, Jim couldn't. Not when he has spent his entire life living in the shadow (or the light, depending on how you see it) of his father's glory and self-sacrifice. When Winona looks at her son, she sees her husband. Like everyone else, she doesn't see Jim.

 

And Jim knew from young that he shouldn't have existed. That way, George Kirk would've lived. That way, it would save everyone their troubles.

 

January 4th becomes the destined day when Jim Kirk gets into all kinds of troubles.

 

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

 

When he was still a kid, he used to steal things from the convenient store opposite the bar down at the street corner; he knew he'd get away with it from the way the store owner had looked at Jim, with eyes so full of sympathy that made Jim sick to the gut. This act of “kindness” won't bring his father back to life. _Nothing_ will ever bring his father back to life. He is an orphan. Stealing from a shop.

 

When Jim's old enough to ride an air bike, he stopped stealing from the convenient store and went to the bar down at the street corner instead. The bartender had been kind enough to pay for the shots that Jim had fired down his adolescent stomach unwittingly; he had been so drunk that he'd woken up laid by the street corner the next mid-afternoon with dried up vomit all over himself, displaying his unimaginable state to the Iowa public.

 

Not that anyone cared, though.

 

The subsequent years were more consistent because all Jim would do was pick up fights with any guy sitting next to him. It didn't matter who threw better right hooks or won the fight. It didn't even matter where the punches land – none would hurt as much as where the pain truly lies.

 

And when Jim was at the academy – when he couldn't get drunk because Pike would _absolutely_ murder him for not having a perfect attendance record – he'd spend the entire night hooking up with strangers whose name he doesn't even remember by the time he shoves his ass on their dick. Jim had found out that having his ass fucked rough would take the edge off for a few peaceful hours.

 

But none of that **irresponsibility** when you are the Captain of the Enterprise. You can't just let the crew see their captain pissed out drunk on the recreational area, eager for a round of fist fight. In that same way that you can't just stride into one of the engineering decks, pick up an ensign and beg them to fuck their captain raw and senseless.

 

So Jim is in his room. He is being good. Look, he's even applied for a medical leave for today and tomorrow.

 

_Reason: emotionally compromised._

 

Bones would surely notice. After all, being a CMO means he is in charge of medial leave requests and approval. A bitter laugh escapes Jim's raspy throat and takes another swig from the bottle in his hand.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are hugs, kudos are kisses!! xx
> 
> support this fic by reblogging on tumblr: trekirk.tumblr.com/post/120386628683


	2. Chapter 2

 

  
Jim must have dozed off because the next thing he remembers is seeing Bones taking the half-empty bottle from his hands and resting it on the floor.

 

“I think that's enough drinking for today.” Bones says, threading his fingers through Jim's hair that is sticking out at all the wrong angles.

 

“ **Fuck you**.” Jim curses, and wobbly reaches for a fresh bottle. But Bones bats his hand away in time, and Jim lets out another aggravated curse.

 

_“That's enough, James.”_

 

In a moment of pure instinct, Jim snaps out of his drunken haze and looks up at Bones, slightly startled by the sternness in his voice.

 

Reaching for Jim's arms, Bones pulls Jim up from the couch and gently nudges him in the direction of the bathroom.

 

And when Bones speaks, he doesn't sound too angry. He even gives Jim a quick peck on the cheek.

 

“Wash up, darlin'. I'll meet you in the bedroom.”

 

Jim nods, if still a little dazed from the amount he had drank all evening. But he does as Bones told him to; changing out of his stale and damp pyjamas into a fresh pair of boxers, brushing his teeth to chase the stinky breath away, freshening his face even though his eyes remains bloodshot. Jim foregoes applying his nightly hair oil and heads towards the bedroom.

 

When Jim enters, Bones has already settled in bed. He doesn't look any different from usual – he's sitting on the bed, browsing through his PADD in his old man glasses and his old t-shirt from the academy. As Jim climbs into bed, Bones removes his glasses and sets it on the nightstand along with his PADD.

 

A moment of silence is shared between both of them. Pulling the cover over his cold feet, Jim avoids meeting Bones' gaze. Bones looks at him for a moment longer, slightly confused.

 

“It's okay if you want to discuss about _things_ , you know.” Bones prompts vaguely.

 

“I know. I just – can we not talk about today?”

 

Jim lets out a soft huff. And when Jim speaks, his almost-too-soft voice speaks of tiredness and rejection more than his words do. Bones thinks Jim sounds like a heartbroken five year old who has lost his way at the mall. In some way, that _is_ Jim. But Bones is determined to change things for the better – for both of them's sake.

 

“Hmm... depends though. _What_ about today?” Bones intones as he thumbs at Jim's hand innocently, as if inquiring about things that don't matter much. But even he knows what January 4th means. _He knows that Jim knows that he knows_ , too.

 

“Bones, I don't wanna talk about it.”

 

Bones observes the way Jim's shoulder seems to slump a little as if all the battery in Jim's body has depleted.

 

So Jim doesn't want to talk about it. That's fine. Bones has seen it coming, really. Nothing is ever easy with Jim.

 

Instead, Bones asks, “What do you want, Jim?”

 

Jim stops twiddling with his fingers. And he reaches over to press a kiss onto Bones' lips.

 

“ _This._ ”

 

Holding their faces in microscopic distance, Jim droops his eyes in the way that he knows will drive Bones insanely hot. And Jim knows he's done the job right when the pair of hazel brown eyes are instantaneously consumed by dilating pupils and flaring desires.

 

Pressing their bodies close is a good idea. That way, Jim can relish in the body heat felt through his wandering hands under Bones' thin cotton shirt. That way, Jim can feel the way Bones' strong arms holding him close and grinding against him slow, smooth circles. That way, Jim can kiss Bones until both of them are so breathless, they see starbursts behind their eyes.

 

That way, they won't have to talk about the fact that today is January 4th.

 

“ _Ungh_. Fuck me, Bones.” Jim breathes, and bucks against Bones to make his point. “Kinda need it rough, kinda need it _now_.”

 

Bones hums absentmindedly as he pulls the t-shirt off his chest. He gives Jim a nudge, tilting him backwards to lay on his back fully. Now sitting across Jim's thigh and propped up with his two hands, Bones leans in close and kiss Jim sweetly, “ _Shhh._ I got ya.”

 

Jim lets out a soft gasp as Bones kisses a trail across his collarbone, shuffling downwards to his chest where hot tongue meets one of Jim’s exposed nipples. Bones mouths at Jim’s nipple, alternating between soft licks and harsh tugs while he flicks another between his fingers until it turns into a hard nub. Jim bites at his fingers, but it doesn’t stop the embarrassingly loud moans from escaping his throat as the feeling the waves of arousal floods his entire being.

 

“Hmm, like gettin’ your nipples played with? Like a good boy that you are?” Bones releases the nipple from his mouth, pleased at how red and swollen it looks as he rubs it with his thumb. Jim lets out a low moan, bucking his hips upwards into thin air. Bones presses Jim’s hips down on the bed.

 

“Uh-uh, Jimmy. We’re gonna take this slow.”

 

“I thought we agreed on you fucking my brains out,” Jim gulps, tugging at Bones’ hair as he presses a line of wet kisses along Jim’s abdomen. Jim can’t help but let out a breath laughter, clenching involuntarily when Bones blows raspberries at his stomach. “Ah - **stop it** , Bones. I mean it!”

 

Bones buries his nose into Jim’s hips, intending to hide a smirk that is threatening to creep up his face.

 

“I’ll give you what you need, darlin'.” Bones murmurs, although he half-guesses that Jim isn’t listening to whatever he just said. Caught up in the sensation of Bones rough fingers stroking along his hipbones, Jim is squirming against Bones in plead for something _more_ , but Bones pins Jim down firmly on the bed instead. “Easy there, we have a whole night.”

 

If Jim found it a little unfair that Bones isn’t nearly as impatient as he is in getting the _good_ part of things going, he certainly didn’t comment on it.

Not when he’s busy threading his fingers through Bones’ hair, trying to thrust up against the wet heat that is Bones’ mouth. The feeling of Bones licking him through the thin fabric of his boxers is _almost_ too good, like a soft heat that coils at his lower spine that is never quite enough, yet so fucking hot that Jim’s dick may or may not have just twitched at the thought of it.

 

And Jim may or may not have been reduced to making the sweetest whines, “ _B- bones_. _Nghhn._. Please.”

 

Finally, Jim feels a hand slipping under the elastic band of his boxers, slowly slipping it off Jim’s hips. God, Jim could feel the delicious friction dragging along his cock. Bones chuckles softly at the sight of Jim arching his back, as if seeking for more attention on his neglected cock. Translucent of strings of pre-come gathers in anticipation, streaking across Jim’s in wet stripes. Unable to resist himself, Bones leans forward and take Jim into his hand; Jim lets out a cry as Bones laps at the beads of pre-come that has decorated Jim’s flushed cock with a glistening sheen.

 

“ _Unnhg._ _Fuck_ \- ” Jim’s hip gave a sharp buck as he feels Bones sucking a wet kiss on his perineum while he slowly jerks at Jim’s throbbing cock. “ _Hngh,_ bones - _hnhhhh_ this feels _so_ fucking good.”

 

Bones flattens his tongue, licking Jim from root to top before leaving a kiss on the head of Jim’s cock, and for a moment Jim thought he had been set on fire and he was going to combust and explode right then and there.

 

Before Jim could even process what’s happening, though, he was flipped over by Bones and he’s now laying on his stomach with two soft pillows wedged between him and the bed. He felt something shift on the mattress, like a mass of weight was removed - Jim figures with the remaining of his brain cells that Bones has gone to the bathroom to retrieve a bottle of lube.

 

Sure enough, Bones returns moments later with a bottle in hand and in a _much_ more naked state, much to Jim’s delight. Squeezing a copious amount of lube onto his fingers, Bones rubs them together to warm the fluid slightly. It doesn’t stop the slight shiver from Jim as Bones circles Jim’s pucker though; Jim gasps as he feels Bones’ middle finger sinking in smoothly, and he instinctively clamps down on second finger that joins in.

 

Stilling his movement, Bones coos, “Hey, it’s only me. _Relax._ Try pushing out.”

 

They’ve done this _so_ many times. Jim isn’t by any chance a shy first-time virgin in outerspace. But this part doesn’t get any easier by experience - it’s a reflex he can’t control. Especially with how thick Bones’ fingers are ( _and, well, his dick too_ ). So Jim breathes, focusing on relaxing his muscles. Jim exhales as he pushes out, feeling slight relief and contentment as Bones’ fingers slips in with little resistance.

 

“Wanna make this quick?” Jim says, clearly breathless and very impatient as Bones works Jim open by scissoring the two digits in a smooth motion, slow-fucking Jim in a meticulously maintained tempo.

 

Almost tempted to roll his eyes, Bones crooks his middle finger and rubs at Jim’s prostate just _so_. Jim manages a choked off moan and thrusts back at Bones mindlessly.

 

“Shhh. Gonna work you open so I can sink into you real smooth.” Bones makes his point by reaching deeper into Jim, tapping gently against the sensitive nub. He could see the way Jim’s mouth falls open, forming a slack ‘ ** _o_** ’ while Jim clenches impossibly tight around Bones’ fingers.

 

“You’re gonna be so good and tight around me. Want to feel you. You want that, Jimmy? Fuck.Want you begging for my cock real loud and pretty.”

 

Jim’s chokes off a sob, his knees nearly giving way when Bones adds another finger into him. With more lube coating the fingers, Bones fingerfucks his hole with barely any resistance - Jim pants harshly at every pump as Bones’ scrapes nearly at his prostate every other thrust, but not _quite_ so. By the time Bones withdraws his fingers and retrieves the condom, Jim is in such a shivering mass that Bones has to guide Jim upright with his steady and warm hands.

 

After coating himself with lube generously, Bones gives himself a few firm tugs before he leans in to Jim. Pressing a kiss onto Jim’s shoulder, Bones takes his cock and rubs the head on Jim’s wet and sensitive hole, grunting as he sees the way it flutters around the tip of his cock. Jim whines loud and high as Bones’ _not-quite_ fucks him, his own weeping cock left neglected and untouched.

 

Bones gives a soft groan as he fucks himself between Jim’s impossibly tight and slick butt cheeks. “ _Fuck_ , Jim. You should see how you look like right now.”

 

Like an Adonis or some godlike being. Fucking _**divine**_. Bones kisses Jim hard.

 

With an arm supporting Jim by the abdomen, Bones pulls Jim’s ass slightly apart and drips a few more drops of lube directly onto Jim’s quivering pucker. Unable to deny either of them any longer, Bones sinks into Jim and immediately curses when he feels how fucking _wet_ and _tight_ Jim’s ass is, clenching around his pulsating cock like a vacuum.

 

Bones had to grab himself at the base to stop himself from blowing his load in that split second.

 

Please, _oh god, fuuck. Bones, please, **more.**_

 

Moans and curses are rolling off Jim’s tongue unthinkingly when Jim feels the thick and heavy cock sinking into his ass agonizingly slow, his knuckles white from clenching at the sheets too tight. Jim feels so full already but _fuck, there’s more_ because as he glance backwards, Jim sees that Bones isn’t even halfway buried in him.

 

“ _Unfhh fuuuuck_. Bones - ” And then Jim is thrashing and grabbing at Bones’s arms when he feels Bones’ cock withdrawing, only to have it plunge deeper into Jim ever so slowly. The moment seems to stretch out infinitely long - Bones steadily filling Jim’s ass with his cock and Jim being far-too-gone to do anything but moan and just take it _in_.

 

“B-bones, fu- **ck**.” Jim gasps as he feels Bones slowly grinding into his ass in tantalizing circles, nudging his prostate at every up-thrust. All that Jim needs is a good and rough thrust and he’ll be gone. _God yea,_ just like that... Jim fucks himself on Bones’ cock in a series of staccato humps, clenching his hole tight so that the upward curve of Bones’ cock brushes against his prostate every time.

 

“Fuck. I’m close. Gonna come, _ughnn fuck_ \- ”

 

And Jim totally did not see it coming when Bones all of a sudden just ... **stopped**. Before Jim could fathom a really confused ‘ _..wh...aaat?_ ’, Bones rests one his arms on Jim’s hips and still his movement entirely.

 

“Not gonna let this end too soon.” Bones whispers into the crook of Jim’s neck as he encircles the base of Jim’s cock, stopping Jim from toppling over the edge.

 

And Bones rests his left palm over Jim’s heart, memorizing the warmth and low thrums felt under his hand. Bones aligns his own chest against Jim’s back, hoping that Jim could feel his heartbeat, too. He wants Jim to know how they are pulsing with strength and _life_. And he hopes that Jim’s heart won’t ever cease beating, because for as long as his own heart is alive, Bones will do _everything_ that he can to keep Jim’s heart pounding the way they are right now. And that even though Bones doesn’t believe in God, he prays right now to whoever that rules over to keep this rhythm forever etched in into their minds so they will never forget how alive they are at this moment.

 

And Bones tells Jim exactly so.

 

“Want you to feel your own heartbeat. And know that you are _alive_ and you are _here_. With me.”

 

And that was it. That was the last thing Jim needed.

 

Bones lets out a startled sound as Jim turns around, abruptly tackling Bones onto the bed.

 

Jim doesn’t say anything, he just kisses Bones hard and rough until he can’t hold back his tears any longer. And Bones just cradles Jim into his arms and lets Jim ugly-sob into his chest. Because _this_ is enough. This is what they need. They have each other and it’s more than enough.

 

When Jim is calm enough to exchange shaky breaths of air through his semi-blocked nose though, he let out a slightly embarrassed chuckle. Jim bets he doesn’t look very attractive right now - his nose must be really red and his eyes feels swollen and bloodshot.

 

But he still really wants to fuck Bones.

 

“Goddammit, man. We just went through a bunch of emotional shit and you sobbed like a child, now you’re asking if I can ‘ _continue fucking your ass_ ’?” Bones barks, although without real irritation as much as the amusement and affection that is bubbling inside his chest. But he fakes an eye-roll anyways, and says, “Then again, I should’ve seen it coming.”

 

Jim laughs as he sits himself across Bones’ lap, rolling his hips lazily. Bones’ hands fall right into place on both sides of Jim’s hips, urging him on. They set an easy pace, focusing more on kissing than anywhere _below-the-waist_. When Bones slowly props himself up, he rolls sideways and flips Jim over so that he’s now back on top of Jim.

 

“Hey, handsome.” Jim says, wrapping his legs around Bones out of pure instinct.

 

“Hey, darlin’.” Bones kisses the tip of Jim’s nose.

 

In the end, neither of them lasted long. Jim being the _little shit_ that he is, chooses to clench his ass impossibly tight the moment Bones is fully rested in Jim. It took all of Bones’ will not to start pounding Jim’s ass at once. Instead, Bones fucks Jim in long and smooth thrusts until Jim is moaning and begging him “ _don’t fuckin’ stop or I’ll fuckin’ kill ya_ ”.

 

When Jim reaches down to jerk himself off though, Bones bats his hand away.

 

“Fuck - Bones, you gonna make me come _without_ a hand on my dick?” Jim pants, shoving his ass in the vague direction of Bones’ cock, trying to get Bones deeper inside him.

 

And then, Bones lifts and arranges Jim into his lap and before letting Jim sink down on his cock, letting the gravity do some of its job as Bones thrusts deeper into Jim. Draping his arms over Bones’ shoulder, Jim heaves as rides himself hard in Bones’ lap, his cock trapped between the delicious friction of his body against Bones’.

 

Jim lets out a series of ‘ _ahh, ahh, ahhh_ ’s when Bones grinds hard and fast into his ass, somehow managing to hit that spot _almost_ every single thrust and when Jim lets out what sounds like ‘ _hnngh_ ’, he feels a hand reaching behind to rub at his taint. And before he knows it, the knots in his muscles are uncoiling and waves of pleasure and ecstasy are rippling through Jim’s entire being and he’s coming hard and fast, spilling his come in thick and long white stripes across Bones’ stomach. And Bones curses when Jim’s ass pulses erratically around him, as if trying to milk his cock dry - so Bones fucks Jim with a few shallow thrusts before he gives in, surrendering himself to the intense pleasure as he slams into Jim’s ass, letting out a loud moan from his knee-shaking orgasm.

 

As both of them recover their loss of breath, they cling onto each other in attempt to protect the afterglow from fading. If it meant they’re gonna be sticky from the half-dried come and perspiration, that’s _okay_ too.

 

For now, Jim rests his head on Bones’ chest, listening to the hammering heartbeat of Bones gradually slowing down to a steady thud. At the very edge of his consciousness, Jim hears the low hum of the Enterprise’s engine.

 

And Jim shares a secret smile to himself, because he knows that everything is gonna be _okay._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh h h h... this is my first attempt at writing explicit content so I'd be really grateful if you could let me know what you think of this fic!! I'd love to hear from you xx
> 
> Comments are hugs, kudos are kisses!!! ; v ;
> 
> Support this fic by reblogging on tumblr: trekirk.tumblr.com/post/120386628683


End file.
